Friday, 25 June 2010

Playground Bullying

I was bullied at school , I'm not ashamed to admit it now several years on. I was beaten and I was broken. I was bullied for the way I looked, my religion , because of my family and lots of every other reasons that the bullies could think of to bully me.

In a way the bullying started at the age of 5 , the kids thought my surname was funny. I was called several names related to it. I used to laugh it off but over the years it grew old and I got bored of hearing it but it still hurt in a way. My surname was a subject of laughs and names right up to the age of 16 but then it still got a few giggles at college.

When I started secondary school I found out what real bullying was , it started with my school skirt. My Mother bought the cheapish school uniform she could find. I had a blazer that was way too big for me , school shirts that itched and didn't fit me at the neck and a school skirt that was down to my ankles. It wasn't because my mother thought it wrong to wear any other kind of skirt she just found the cheapish. I'm sure if she of found a skirt that was up by my boobs and it was cheap she would of bought it and made me wear it.
The way I wore my hair , socks , glasses , brace.. It was all a subject of ridicule. I wasn't perfect and oh boy didn't I know it.

At point I turned to self harming. I was told I has fat thighs so I stabbed one of them. I was told I was flat chested so I scratched and made my boobs red raw and bleed. Thankfully I snapped out of this. I have the scars to remind me of that crazy moment I had where I thought it a good idea to harm my beautiful body.

I went to homework club after school and was teased about it so I stopped going and turned into abit of a rebel and then I still got teased. I couldn't do right or wrong without being bullied. I had things stolen from me , I remember using my paper round money to buy a new pack of shiny smelly gel pens. These were taken off me by other girls/boys I often had things taken off me including bags and pencil cases. When I told my mother I got told off and was thought to lying as she thought I was making up stories as I has lost these items.

The bullying got worse over the 5 years I was there , I was often beaten just because some of the girls had nothing better to do and those times I did fight back I was the one that got suspended and thought of as the bad guy. But I had to fight back, one time I was knocked out as I was walking home from school - a girl a few years older then me thought I said something about her (I didn't even know her) so she attacked me and I had my head smashed into a garage door.

Teachers didn't do anything , they were pretty much bullies themselves. They didn't know who to believe and who not to so everyone was seen at the bad guys. My dance teacher caught some bullying towards me in the act and kicked the culprits out of that subject. The dance room became my safe place along with the ICT room. Computers back then were pretty much my only friend as the friends I did have didn't really want anything to do with me in fear of getting bullied themselves. Many of my break times were spent hiding in the computer room or the library. I forged a note when it come to the later years where we allowed out of school at lunchtimes to go home for food , My mother wouldn't let me so I pretended that she had wrote a note and I got a pass. I used this pass to hide down the park and eat my sandwiches in peace and quite without the fear of someone spitting or throwing a punch at me.

It wasn't just in school , the bullying was taken out of school and into the areas I lived and even into the town where I shopped. A girl in my year befriended me and we met in town one day , she lured me into a local graveyard where I was confronted by two older girls who didn't even go to my school. The just I got in between the beatings was that they thought I bullied their little sister who went to my primary school (later turned out she didn't and I didn't even know the sister!) . I managed to escape and collapsed in the middle of town where I was found and taken to hospital, the police got involved but nothing came out of it.

That got me more bullied at school , others found it funny and took great comfort in tormenting me about the pain and embarrassment it had caused me. This was one of many reasons why I attempted suicide.

It wasn't like I could tell my parents , how could I when they also bullied me? My home life wasn't exactly as fun as what school was turning out to be. Even in my last couple of years school where I pretty much skived and spent the days refusing to get out of bed , my parents never looked more into it. It was like they were shrugging there shoulders, they never did take much interest in me . Why should they I must of been flawed what with all this bullying for no reason at all other then just being a girl who was trying to live her life.

No one will ever understand how much finishing school , leaving a family , moving towns and making my own family has changed me for the good. I am the happiest I have ever been in my short life which has felt like a lifetime. No one can ever take this away from me. I am a grown woman who has taking a stand by running away from it all.

I look back now and know that I never ever did anything wrong. This bullying was not my fault in anyway. These bully's were nothing but nasty people who had nothing better to do with their time. They may of had issues of their own and used bullying as a form of getting away from that, who knows? They wanted their own unhappiness to cause other unhappiness well it did. I urge anyone who is bully someone who who is receiving bullying of any nature to come forward. Seek the help of the police, childline or anyone who you can trust/talk to.

There's a website dedicated especially to bullying that you can find here.

I will not torment bullying of any kind , it has left me mental and physical scars. It would be nice to think that when Oli gets to school age bullying will a thing of extinction but I doubt it. I do know for sure that if he comes to me and tells me he is being bullied I would do whatever I can to help stamp it out.